Thalia Follies sketch: Apologizing Athlete
One of three sketches Gregory wrote for the May 2010 season of the Thalia Follies at Symphony Space, this celebrity mea culpa will look familiar to anyone who ever watched an idol fall. Gregory plays a top athlete trying to quell a firestorm of bad publicity with a sincere-ish apology. But is he really telling us everything? . . .
photo by Regina Larkin
Butch is doing a press conference. Reporter stands off to the side with the rest of the press.
BUTCH
…so it is with a heavy heart that I admit today that indeed I took performance-enhancing drugs. And for that …(glancing at prepared statement) I am truly sorry.
REPORTER
Which drugs did you take?
BUTCH
Well, mostly it was blood-doping, where they kinda run your blood through a washing machine. Sorry—
REPORTER
And …?
BUTCH
…Also, uppers.
REPORTER
You mean amphetamines?
BUTCH
Yeah, they help me get up for the game. Again, I’m really sorry—
REPORTER
And …?
BUTCH
…Once in a while I also took stanozolol—
REPORTER
Isn’t that a steroid they give to racehorses?
BUTCH
Yeah. And to take the edge off the ‘roid rage, I took downers. That’s it—
REPORTER
Really?
BUTCH
…One more – HGH.
REPORTER
Human Growth Hormone?
BUTCH
Right, but I mean, everybody’s takin’ that, ‘cus there’s no pee test for it. Gotta go—
REPORTER
What about the charges of infidelity?
BUTCH
Well, yes, I have cheated on my wife, many times.
REPORTER
How many women?
BUTCH
I didn’t go to school for math, so I don’t know—
REPORTER
Any other revelations?
BUTCH
You got me. Some of the affairs were not with women. Have a nice day—
REPORTER
Is that really all you’ve been hiding?
BUTCH
(snaps) All right! All right! Not all of the affairs were with people, OK! I mean, we’ve all been to the zoo, am I right?! So those sex tapes I’ve been denying I was in, I was in! And I’m actually a woman! The steroids made my boobs grow, and I really like them, especially the left one!! …I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to lose my temper. The ‘roid rage, it just. Boy, I feel better.
Butch exits waving.
REPORTER
(to camera) The commissioner has said that as long as he keeps selling seats and merchandise, no disciplinary action is pending.
Blackout
Gregory Jones
