Thalia Follies sketch: CNN Idol

This is one of three sketches Gregory wrote for the May 2010 season of the Thalia Follies at Symphony Space.  Cable news emphasizes its broadcasters' styling over substance to such a degree now, that a collision with American Idol seems inevitable . . .

photo by Regina Larkin


RYAN SEACREST

You may have noticed a trend toward more and more attractive newscasters on television.  Now CNN has taken the next step in making hard news easier on the eyes …and ears.  Take a look at a sneak peek at the first episode of CNN Idol!

 

SOUND CUE: American Idol theme.  Lights up on a beautiful Newscaster, dressed in a conservative pants suit, singing to the melody of “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.”

 

NEWSCASTER 1

(singing)  Ahmadinejad made a speech/Wherein he claimed his uranium enrichment is meant for peace./

 

The panel of Idol judges applaud lightly.  Newscaster 1 bows then looks to the judges for evaluation.

 

RANDY JACKSON

That was cool, man.  Real cool.  You took a big chance picking an international news story.  It’s a freaky-hard style, but I thought you nailed it, dawg.

 

NEWSCASTER 1

Thank you!

 

ELLEN DEGENERES

This is the first time I’ve seen you perform where I thought, she could be our next Walter Cronkite.  You took this news and made it your own.

 

NEWSCASTER 1

Wow, thanks.

 

KARA DIOGUARDI

I’m going to nitpick a little bit.  You had me on the headline, but my attention started to drift during the uranium enrichment line.  I’m sorry, I think people are going to change the channel if you can’t bring it up another notch.  Maybe try some different styling.

 

NEWSCASTER 1

OK, thanks.

 

SIMON COWELL

Honestly, Rebecca, I felt like I was watching Walter Cronkite, too, but that’s the problem.  Bo-ring!  You’re dressed like a schoolmarm.  People don’t want to see some self-serious git droning on about the day’s events.  They want news that razzles and dazzles.

 

NEWSCASTER 1

But I feel like—

 

SIMON COWELL

Otherwise, you’re as dead as old Walter.  (mocking the legendary line)  And that’s the way it was.  Next!

 

Shaken, Rebecca leaves the stage. 

 

SOUND CUE: American Idol theme.  Newscaster 2 enters.

 

NEWSCASTER 2

(to the chorus of “On the Wings of Love”)  The Nasdaq and Dow Jones!/Climbed for a third week spurred by job growth and home loans./Interest rates up./The dollar rose above!/It’s highest point this year.  The Euro sagged again./

 

The judges applaud lightly.

 

RANDY JACKSON

Man, I don’t how to say this.  Your news was real cool, dawg, real cool.  But there’s just something …off.

 

ELLEN DEGENERES

Yeah, it’s a shame because you’re so good at delivering a rousing piece of information, but …

 

KARA DIOGUARDI

You’re a total professional, obviously experienced and knowledgeable, but …

 

SIMON COWELL

Oh, just say it, people.  He’s ugly!  Who wants to look at that while they’re eating?  Disgusting!

 

NEWSCASTER 2

Listen, I went to Columbia Journalism School, and I don’t need superficial style points to—

 

SIMON COWELL

(to the other judges)  I’m sorry, is that deformed hunk of meat trying to say something?  I can’t hear whatever is coming out of his mouth flap.  I’m throwing my telly out the window!  I may never watch the news again.  Shoo, Elephant Man, shoo!

 

Devastated, Newscaster 2 exits.  Newscaster 3 enters.

 

RYAN SEACREST

Before our last contestant performs, I'd like to remind the audience that you will have one chance – and one chance only – to cast your vote for the next CNN Idol. The competition on this show is cutthroat.

 

Newscaster 1 sneaks up behind Newscaster 3 and kneecaps her with a baseball bat.  She drags her offstage.  Newcaster 1 has ditched her sensible suit for a skirt and stilettos.

 

RYAN SEACREST

So, call or text your votes in now.  Careers are made on CNN Idol!  Who can forget Anderson Cooper in a top hat singing "Putin on The Ritz"?

 

SOUND CUE: American Idol theme.  Newscaster 1 trills her line like an “American Idol” winner.

 

REBECCA

(to the tune of “I Will Always Love You”)  In I-eeeeeee-Iceland, hot lava shot to the skyyyyyyy-eeeeee-iiiiiiiiiii!

 

She milks it for all it’s worth, taking an absurdly long time to deliver this showstopper.  When she finally stops, the judges applaud enthusiastically.

 

RANDY JACKSON

That news was the bomb, baby.  The bomb!

 

ELLEN DEGENERES

I want to marry you!

 

KARA DIOGUARDI

Now that’s journalism!

 

SIMON COWELL

Overall, an excellent job of storytelling, but I think the information might land a little more squarely if you were topless.

 

RYAN SEACREST

And the viewers’ votes are already in.  You are the new CNN Idol! 

 

Newscaster 1 jumps for joy.  The judges applaud.

 

RYAN SEACREST

You can catch her every weeknight, in Wolf Blitzer’s old time slot, in her new show, “The Titillation Room,” keeping abreast of the news.

 

SOUND CUE: American Idol theme.

 

Blackout