Red State/Blue State

After enjoying the appetizer of their seventh anniversary dinner, Ellie and Don have moved on to a main course of acrimony.  Ellie suspects Don of infidelity while Don continues to obsess about national politics' corrosive effect on their relationship.  Now Ellie brings up another sore subject - adoption . . .


She smiles brightly and reaches for his hand.  He takes it.

ELLIE
I went to this Web site today.  It said right now the country with the easiest adoption rules is Guatemala.

DON
I’m thinking about it.

ELLIE
It’s just that if we’re going to do it, we should start getting on some lists.

DON
I know.

ELLIE
It takes years.  The waiting lists are-

DON
I know, I know.  I guess I’m just trying to get my brain around it.

ELLIE
I can’t help thinking there’s some little soul out there in Guatemala or Russia or China who we could save.  

DON
I really am thinking about it.

ELLIE
Good.

DON
It’s just hard for me to accept defeat, you know?  It’s like in the Florida thing.  I don’t think I really accepted it until July or so, after the independent recounts had been done.

Ellie takes her hand away and drinks her wine.

DON
It’s still hard to think about.  If Gore had just called for a state-wide count instead of . . .

ELLIE
(sarcastic)  Well, you’ve moved on admirably.

DON
Still, all he had to do was win his home state.  If he had won Tennessee, Florida wouldn’t have mattered.  Or New Hampshire.  That was a razor-thin margin.  Or West Virginia . . .

ELLIE
(getting irritated)  Ancient history.

DON
But the Supreme Court should have just stayed out of it.  It was a shocker that they took the case at all.  Their recent history is all about defending states’ rights, for Christ’s sake.

ELLIE
(trying to avoid conflict)  Who knows why things happen?

DON
Who knows . . .?  Well . . .we do.  Us humans – we know why things happen.  

ELLIE
It’s a figure of speech, Donald.

DON
This is important, though, and it’s frankly one of the things that drives me nuts.  I find it difficult to fathom how easy it is for you to just throw your hands up.  Just say, “It’s God’s will” and move on.  

ELLIE
OK.  I can accept that.  The difference between my faith and your-

DON
I mean that kind of incuriousness . . .it’s almost Bush-like.

ELLIE
I’m not talking about Bush.  Can we please keep this in the context of us?

DON
But it’s all related, don’t you see?  Your acceptance of Dubya’s lack of interest in the details . . .it’s like I can see him sitting there in the big chair behind the big desk listening to Colin Powell say, “Uh, sir, American soldiers are dying every day, and our guys are violating Geneva Conventions, and the rest of the world hates our fucking guts.” And Bush picks his head up from the back of his comfy chair and says, “It’s God’s will.”

ELLIE
What?  I was trying to make you feel better about being infertile, you jerk.  And don’t keep dragging God in the mud with Bush.

DON
So you admit Bush is in the mud.

ELLIE
I’m not admitting anything about Bush.  I’m not talking about Bush.  This is why I don’t like talking about politics.  Because it’s either deadly dull, or it ends up in an argument.

DON
Who’s arguing?  Can't I raise my voice a little when I talk?  We're not in church.

ELLIE
If you must, but stop bringing up Bush.

DON
But, honey, this, right now, what’s happening to us – it’s about Bush.

ELLIE
Our problems are about Bush?

DON
Yes.

ELLIE
You are more like Clinton than you even know.

DON
Ahhhh, now we’re getting to it.

ELLIE
You can’t just have an open conversation with me about. . .

DON
Don’t cry.

ELLIE
(flicking tears off of her face)  I’m not.  You can’t tell me honestly about Sandra.  You have to change the subject, tap dance, hide behind this political pose . . .

DON
I’m not hiding.  For the first time, I’m seeing the root of our problem.

ELLIE
Bush did not cause our problems!

DON
Yes he did!

ELLIE
Bush did?

DON
Yes!

ELLIE
Bush slept with our sister-in-law?

DON
No, no, Bush believes God is guiding him.  He thinks he was chosen, and God will answer his prayers.  And you keep thinking we’re destined to have children.  “It’s God’s will.”  Well, just maybe having a baby is not. . . in our cards.  As hard as that is.  Maybe it has nothing to do with God.  Maybe it’s just a microscope and a sperm count.  And we drew a bad number in the baby lottery and here we are.

ELLIE
(on the verge of breaking down)  We both have our own ways of dealing with this.  I feel that whatever God’s plan is, I know it includes, at some point, us having a family.

DON
Well, I think you’re giving God too much say in the matter.  I don’t know what he can or can’t control, but I think we have choices, and they are made by us.

ELLIE
Are you taking adoption off the table?  

DON
No, no, no.  Table?  There’s no table.  That’s not . . .I am saying that, just like Bush cops out on decisions that he should make . . . This whole delusion that he was “chosen”?  I mean, please.  The American people choose, not God.  And then this neo-con con about America’s duty to bring freedom to the rest of the world . . .I mean, I think the Iraqis should do whatever they want to do: democracy, dictatorship, fiefdom, nudist camp, whatever.  But they should decide.  Not some country thousands of miles away with an ego the size of Texas and delusions of divine intervention.

Something changes in Ellie.  She turns to steel.

ELLIE
Just say you don’t want to adopt.

DON
That’s not what I’m – Jesus!

ELLIE
Please stop taking the Lord’s name.

DON
I said I’m thinking about it!

ELLIE
I’ve been sticking it out because you said you wanted a baby no matter what.

DON
You stuck it out?  I’ve been jerking off into a specimen cup for two years to make you happy.

ELLIE
I’m so sorry.  I know how much you hate that activity.

DON
Oh, back to this again?

ELLIE
The pay-per-view bills alone could have paid for another round of In Vitro.

DON
This is classic Bush – humble Christian on the surface, but if you cross him, he’ll crush your skull.

ELLIE
I can’t believe you of all people are opposed to adoption.  It’s the ultimate lifting up, the Liberal Nirvana.

DON
I am thinking seriously about it.

ELLIE
Is it the money?  The IVF adds up in a hurry, and with adoption at least we’re guaranteed a child.

DON
It’s not the money.

ELLIE
Is it the wait?  The Kellehers got their little girl from China within eighteen months.

DON
It’s not that.

ELLIE
Are you worried about developmental problems?  Because there’s no guarantee of a perfect baby with IVF, either.

DON
Ellie, come on.

ELLIE
Well . . .is it . . .are you worried about certain . . . ethnicities?

DON
Are you worried about that?

ELLIE
No.

DON
Really?

ELLIE
Not at all.

DON
Come on.  Every time a black guy gets on our subway, you make me switch cars.

ELLIE
I don’t like sitting next to homeless people of any race.  They’re disgusting.


DON
So a child from, say, Ghana would be OK with you?

ELLIE
As long as he doesn’t smell like a dumpster.

DON
He might.

ELLIE
We’ll give him a bath.

DON
These kids, they rot in orphanages for months or years, and then they’re expected to be little, perfect Upper West Side babies.  Just pull them out of the Congo and throw them into a Gymboree.

ELLIE
Do you have a problem with black babies?

DON
No.

ELLIE
But you don’t want to adopt one?

DON
I didn’t say that.

ELLIE
What are you saying, Donald?

pause  

Ellie realizes she is right.

ELLIE
Now I understand where all that guilt comes from.  This is tragically ironic.  The biggest bleeding heart on the island of Manhattan, the man who picketed for affirmative action and welfare.

DON
Hey, welfare is not for black people.  It’s for poor people of all colors.

ELLIE
You voted for Jesse Jackson!

DON
This is not about politics.

ELLIE
I thought they were all related.  Everything you do, it’s right out of Clinton’s playbook.  You promise the world, then when things get tough, and you have to admit the awful truth, you weasel out, you skirt the issue, you elaborate without saying anything, you try to bite your lip and charm your way out of it, and when all that doesn’t work, you get petulant.  “Why is everybody attacking little old me?”

DON
(trying to stake the high ground)  I think you’ve let your emotions take over here, but now that you mention it, if I had to pick someone to model myself after in terms of intelligence and patience and empathy, I could do worse than the 42nd president of the United States.  

ELLIE
How else do you emulate him?

DON
Oh, for fuck’s sake . . .

ELLIE
How can you continue to defend a man who lied to his wife?

DON
He didn’t do anything to me.

ELLIE
You’re part of the country.  He lied to all of us!

DON
Who cares?  Who cares?!  Why is it our business what he does in his personal life?

ELLIE
You don’t think it’s indicative of his character?  He never would have even admitted it if Starr hadn’t forced his hand.

DON
I thought you didn’t like talking politics.

ELLIE
What do you think Hillary should have done?  What should a wife do when she’s been humiliated like that?

DON
(looking around)  Where is the goddamn waiter?

ELLIE
What should a wife do?

DON
I’m starving.

ELLIE
What should a wife do?

DON
This place sucks.

ELLIE
What should she do when she’s been lied to over and over?  Just take it?  Just stand by him?  Tell me, for the love of God!

DON
She should avoid acting high and mighty.  Everyone's got faults.  She's no ivory statue either.

ELLIE
The expression is “ivory tower,” and you’re suggesting Hillary slept around?

DON
I’m just saying everyone has glass windows.

ELLIE
You mean everyone lives in glass houses.

DON
Yes!  Some people, as a matter of fact, live in huge castles of glass, and they have no fucking right to throw stones.  It’s not a one-size-fits-all morality.  There are lies, and there are damn lies, and then there are lies that damn everybody.  What's a blowjob, for example, next to a dead soldier?

ELLIE
Don’t change the subject.

DON
This is the subject.  (sarcastic)  We're talking about politics, right?  (opening his arms wide)  Over here you’ve got a lie about a blowjob.  Over here you’ve got a lie about reasons for going to war.  If you put these two lies on the morality scale, which one is heavier?  Which one has greater impact on human life?  Who's going to break more glass?

Ellie stands.

ELLIE
I’m going to tinkle.  When you want to talk about our problems instead of the country’s problems, just let me know.

Ellie walks away.

DON
The country’s problems are our problems, Ellie.