Men with Clubs

This scene, from the top of Act Two, reveals three friends carrying the fourth on stage.  The unconscious one, Hammer, has been hit in the head with a golf club wielded by Clay during a moment of rage.  Wood, a doctor, suspects the accident was nothing of the kind while Rich, the joker of the group, suspects that Wood is an asshole.  Clay, Hammer's timid best friend, is not sure how he feels about his atypical act of violence . . .

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Men with Clubs (©2008)

Rich and Wood enter dragging Hammer’s limp body.

CLAY

Oh my God.

 

RICH

Can he hear us, Wood?

 

Wood leans over Hammer to detect life signs.  Rich hovers.  Clay stands away from them.

 

WOOD

He’s breathing.

 

CLAY

He’s breathing?

 

WOOD

He’s breathing.

 

RICH

He’s breathing!

 

WOOD

Heart rate seems normal.

 

RICH

Awesome.

 

CLAY

So he’s not dead?

 

RICH

(to Clay)  Just got his bell rung, that’s all.

 

WOOD

No swelling.

 

CLAY

Swelling?

 

WOOD

No swelling.

 

RICH

Then what’s that?

 

WOOD

What?

 

RICH

(pointing to Hammer’s temple)  This here?

 

WOOD

That’s his skull.

 

RICH

That’s not swollen?  There’s like a kiwi under there.

 

WOOD

That’s the natural shape of his head.

 

CLAY

Really?

 

WOOD

Have you ever looked at his head?

 

RICH

Yes, I’ve look at his head; that’s where his face is.

 

WOOD

He’s got a misshapen head.

 

CLAY

He does?

 

WOOD

Like a gourd.  You just haven’t seen it without a golf cap on.

 

CLAY

His skin is getting pasty.

 

RICH

Wood, the pasty, what does that mean?

 

WOOD

I don’t know.

 

CLAY

You don’t know?

 

WOOD

It’s probably not good.

 

RICH

Probably?  Dickhead! – you’re a doctor.

 

WOOD

It’s probably bad.

 

CLAY

What could it be?  Shock?

 

WOOD

Yes.

 

CLAY

He could be in shock?

 

WOOD

He got hit in the head with a golf club.  It’s a shocking thing.

 

RICH

What else could it be?

 

WOOD

Hard to say.

 

CLAY

A hematoma?  Could it be a hematoma?

 

WOOD

I guess.

 

RICH

Well, fuck, man!

 

CLAY

That’s what we’re asking – what else could it be?

 

WOOD

It could be a . . .hematoma.

 

RICH

And what is that?

 

CLAY

Bleeding in the brain?

 

WOOD

More or less.

 

CLAY

More or less?

 

RICH

Well, fuck, man!

 

CLAY

You’re a doctor!

 

WOOD

I’m an ophthalmologist.

 

RICH

Well, fuck, man.

 

WOOD

If everybody would just act their age, you would remember that this just happened, and it might take a few minutes to gather all the evidence.

 

RICH

(reassuring Clay)  He just got his bell rung.

 

WOOD

Or he’s in a coma.

 

CLAY

(intrigued rather than distressed)  Really?

 

RICH

How is he in a coma?

 

WOOD

He could be in a coma, that’s all.

 

CLAY

I just asked you what it could be.

 

RICH

You didn’t say shit about coma.  Where did coma come from?

 

WOOD

It’s a possibility.

 

CLAY

Based on your in-depth knowledge of eye charts?

 

WOOD

Haven’t you hurt enough people today?

 

CLAY

I threw it at the cart!

 

RICH

We know.  It was a freak thing.

 

CLAY

I wasn’t trying to . . .

 

RICH

Freak thing.  Freaky deaky.  Now, who’s got a cell phone?

 

Wood pulls out his cell phone and dials.

 

WOOD

(phone to ear)  Nothing.

 

RICH

Hit the area code first.

 

WOOD

There’s an area code for 9-1-1?

 

CLAY

Give me that.

 

Unusual for him, Clay takes charge and grabs the phone from Wood.

 

RICH

Wood, what should we do?  Do we have any options . . . medicinally?

 

WOOD

Hard to say.

 

CLAY

You went to med school.

 

RICH

In Mexico.

 

WOOD

It’s the same curriculum.

 

RICH

Didn’t have the chops to get into a real med school.

 

WOOD

Do you have any idea how much American med schools cost?

 

RICH

In pesos?

 

CLAY

Do something.

 

Wood, upset and confused, kneels over Hammer and does the first thing that comes to mind.  He slaps his face repeatedly.

 

WOOD

Hammer!  Wake up, Hammer!

 

CLAY

Hey, hey, what the hell are you doing?

 

WOOD

Gathering evidence.

 

RICH

That’s what it says in the doctor handbook?  If the patient is unconscious, first try smacking the shit out of him?

 

WOOD

He’s gonna be fine.

 

CLAY

Fine?

 

 

RICH

How is he fine?

 

WOOD

It’s hard to explain in layman’s terms.

 

RICH

You bitch-slap him, and now he’s all better?

 

CLAY

He’s pale as a ghost.

 

WOOD

No, not really.  Now that I’ve had a few minutes to examine him, he doesn’t look excessively pale.

 

CLAY

Look at his face.  It’s like the blood drained out.

 

WOOD

He’s always been slightly albino.

 

CLAY

What?

 

RICH

He’s got dark hair.

 

WOOD

You don’t need white hair to be an albino.

 

CLAY

Yes you do.  That’s what albino means.

 

WOOD

He’s just naturally a pale person.  The cold may have turned him a shade lighter, but his pulse is good, there’s no serious swelling or abrasions, he’s breathing normally, and his eyes . . .

 

Wood pulls out a pen light and shines it in Hammer’s eyes.  He double checks one of the eyes then sits back with a stricken look on his face.

 

CLAY

What?

 

WOOD

One of his pupils is fixed and dilated.

 

RICH

And that’s a bad thing?

 

WOOD

Yes.  That is bad.

 

Lights out.